Ask a Southern Lady

Dear Southern Lady,

What’s up with Beauty Pageants? They seem to be everywhere but I noticed that they are especially popular down there. I think all of the whitened teeth and sculpted hair is creepy.

Blinded by Beauty Pageants

Dear Blinded,

Southern ladies love euphemisms. How else can one say what is meant without sounding crude or, horror of horrors, ill bred. The Lady thinks that a beauty pageant is in itself one big euphemism. First, as The Lady’s husband indelicately pointed out the last time one was on television, one need not be a beauty to enter. Second, if you ask rabid fans (usually family and friends of the contestants) what these pageants are about, people will tell you they are about talent and developing self esteem. Perhaps this is true, but The Lady has her doubts. They always make her think of childhood trips to the livestock sale barn with her grandfather where men ogled cattle, using udder size and hip width to determine which cows would be better at producing babies. She suspects, but would never outright say, that Beauty Pageants serve roughly the same purpose as cattle auctions, i.e. a good excuse ogle breasts and hindquarters. Of course, one could never say so outright so we say we are looking for “talent” and “confidence”. That sounds so much better, don’t you think?

Confidently yours,
TSL