Dear Southern Lady,

How do you deal with rude people?

Slow to Anger in Boston



Dear Yankee,

When confronted with a rude person, one has two options. First, you can let the person’s abrasiveness rub off on you and react accordingly, or second, you can make a conscious decision not to let the behavior of some lout tarnish your day and, more importantly, your good behavior. The lady has found that the second is the preferred route and lends itself to creativity. Oftentimes when you meet rudeness with firm yet confident kindness the offender will be so flabbergasted and confused that they will take their social cues from you and cease their idiotic display…which almost always boils down to a desire for attention and respect, i.e. kindness, anyway. Of course, some of us can be pushed too far and, in The Lady’s experience, a well deserved tongue lashing won’t hurt as long as it doesn’t include falsehoods, curse words or references to one’s family. The latter is just plain rude. The best insults are those rare gems that contain neither lie nor malice. (Such insults are another Southern Specialty that The Lady hopes to address soon)

Kindly yours,
TSL

Dear Southern Lady,

Is the American South a bad place for women? What can a woman hope to become in such a male dominated society?

Feminist in the North


Dear Feminist,

The Lady isn’t sure what all Southern women aspire to become, but she does know what they should aspire to become and that is a Southern Matriarch. Anthropologists will tell you that true matriarchies are rare and there could be some truth to this if you happen to be male. You see, the thing is, when women are in charge people either aren’t aware of it or won’t admit it.

There is in the American South a number of elderly women who sit upon a throne of sorts and rule the general area through their children. These children might not know it, and probably would never admit it if they did, but only in the American South will you find successful, intelligent men and women insisting that they consult “MaMa” before making any big decisions. They may grumble about it; they may call her controlling and manipulative but, in the end, everyone defers to MaMa because she is the boss and has been from the time they teethed on beef jerky. That is real power.

Maternally yours,
TSL

Dear Southern Lady,

What is a fake southerner? What is the general view of the southerner with regards to fake southerners? Do real southerners hate them?

A Brit Who Once Visited the South


Dear Brit,

All of these questions make the Lady dizzy! Most things in the South move slowly but surely, you see, and in the American south intelligence is sometimes a commodity best hoarded and brought out as needed. Your signature, however, has put The Lady in mind of another “Brit”, Ms. Britney Spears who is, as I am sure you and the rest of the planet know, one of our most notable Southern exports. It is on this jumping off point that The Lady will begin…of course, when jumping off the cow pond dock one must swim back to the original point of embarkation to avoid manure. If you were from the South you’d know this, though.

Now, the only place more conscious of a class than England is the American South. “Blood tells” as we like to say (under our breath with a smile so that we aren’t called snobs). One can tell when the poisoned barb is about to be shot through the proverbial straw because we will make a big To Do about coating that dart with sugar, usually with the words, as any wannabe Southern humorist will tell you, “Bless his/her heart”. The point is that a true Southerner will shoot him or herself in the foot (see earlier post about our love of guns) before we say something outright rude without being provoked. That, in a nutshell, is an example of how one can tell a fake southerner from the genuine article.

The Lady considers a “fake southerner” as someone who mimics the accent, the clothes, or the location without the geographic orientation. Most Southerners don’t mind this playacting in books, movies or television as long as it isn’t disrespectful. After all, the simple Southerner act has been getting us all work in the acting, literary, and music business since the 1950’s. All you have to do is look at Britney Spears to realize that a pretty face and a genuine southern accent will pretty much blind the world to the rest of your faults. What we dislike (because hate is a word used by Yankees and the ill bred) is when people use our regional eccentricities to make fun of us.

Respectfully Yours,
TSL

Dear Southern Lady,

What’s up with Beauty Pageants? They seem to be everywhere but I noticed that they are especially popular down there. I think all of the whitened teeth and sculpted hair is creepy.

Blinded by Beauty Pageants

Dear Blinded,

Southern ladies love euphemisms. How else can one say what is meant without sounding crude or, horror of horrors, ill bred. The Lady thinks that a beauty pageant is in itself one big euphemism. First, as The Lady’s husband indelicately pointed out the last time one was on television, one need not be a beauty to enter. Second, if you ask rabid fans (usually family and friends of the contestants) what these pageants are about, people will tell you they are about talent and developing self esteem. Perhaps this is true, but The Lady has her doubts. They always make her think of childhood trips to the livestock sale barn with her grandfather where men ogled cattle, using udder size and hip width to determine which cows would be better at producing babies. She suspects, but would never outright say, that Beauty Pageants serve roughly the same purpose as cattle auctions, i.e. a good excuse ogle breasts and hindquarters. Of course, one could never say so outright so we say we are looking for “talent” and “confidence”. That sounds so much better, don’t you think?

Confidently yours,
TSL

All this Organic, er, Manure

Dear Southern Lady,

This home gardening crap has become a big thing lately, what with First Lady Obama growing her own vegetable garden. What do you think of the new trend?

Organically Yours in Utah

Dear Utah,

Trend? Southern women have been growing their own vegetables for ages. It is a source of pride to be known for your green thumb around these parts. What other hobby allows you to revert to a childhood love of digging around in dirt without looking silly or senile? The Lady keeps her own garden…mainly because store bought tomatoes taste awful! This whole grow your own food thing goes beyond vegetables, though. Sure, those PETA people are a little crazy but when you really look into where your food comes from you can’t help but be appalled! Just do a Google search of the words “factory farming” or “meet your meat” and watch what comes up. The lady guarantees that Tyson chicken will replace the boogeyman in your nightmares.

TSL

Stare of the Southerner

Dear Southern Lady,

What is with the Wal-Mart obsession in the South?

Department Store Diva



Dear Diva,

The Southern Lady has a British friend who called her up after his first visit to an American Wal-Mart. The Lady will never forget the excitement in his voice when he exclaimed "You can buy beer, bullets, and guns all at the same store!" This is the essence of why Wal-Mart appeals to the Southerner. If one isn't impressed with beer, bullets and/or guns, one's social life in the South will be nonexistant.

Eclectically yours,
SL

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Dear Southern Lady,

I'm from Vermont. While visiting relatives in the South I noticed that people like to stare a lot. Why is this and how can I fix it?

Center of Attention


Dear Center,

The Southern Lady can sympathize with being the center of attention. Unfortunately, the South can sometimes be a boring place and so its denizens are interested by anyone or anything new. To make matters worse, we cut our teeth on stories of that strange foreign species called "The Yankee", i.e. anyone living outside our small collection of Southern States. To compound the matter, there are two types of Southerners...those with manners and those without. You can tell the difference by their accent...the former's is lilting and honey toned while the latter's makes even the Southern Lady cringe. While a mannered Southerner wouldn't dream of staring at a stranger and would instead make him or herself extra ingratiating, your average redneck doesn't have the social skills or the vocabulary to do so...so he does the next best thing. He stares.

With Undivided Attention,
SL